"Again, I make the point that I don't want to hurt anyone nor pull you out of your happy marriage and family life".
So, Jeanne explained what it was she felt towards me, and why. And, upon hearing her point of view, I can't say I blame her. In fact, I admired her for having the nerve to tell me about it upfront. I was confused though, for I wondered what she hoped to accomplish by coming here and telling me those things, and, what would she do with her loving feelings if not break up my family? Join it? I then somewhat unconsciously grabbed a bottle, poured and drank liquor for the first time in my life as I asked her,
"So, what do you want from me?"
He brought up the most important point of what I came here for, from my standpoint at least. Definitely no turning back now, so started to explain my proposition as I saw Ian drinking some of the liquor. I asked him to pour me some as I started saying, "All I ask is for us to spend some time together occasionally. An occasional 'date', if you will. Nothing more than that, and it's just to keep me sane and happy, to help me learn what makes you tick, and how I could be more like you. And, in the unlikely case that someone comes along that even distantly resembles you in character and personality, then I'd know whether he's worth the risk of not, because I could compare time spent with him to time spent with you. Can you live with that?" He paused a bit to think about my proposal, and, his response?
"Well, I guess it sounds innocent enough, so, if Anna doesn't mind it on occasion, then, okay!"
I thought her idea seemed good. Spending some time with me so she could find someone else in the future. Okay, and hey, I felt a little better now. She then popped another question to me,
"So, are you still planning to kill yourself?"
I remembered, the gun was still there. I just had to ask to make sure he'd changed his mind. And, wow, the wine, or whatever it was, it made me feel pretty funny, it was my first time. And I think I was on my third, or was it fourth glass? I do remember him saying,
"No, of course not. If I did, then I'd be going back on my word"
Killing myself was the last thing on my mind at that point. Keeping conscious was! I was feeling more and more woozy by the second.
"So, that means I just saved your life, big boy!"
Wow, I just saved Ian's life! If it were at all possible at the time, I got even more 'intoxicated' from that thought. When I told him I saved his life, he just stared at me. I stared at him. Then we both laughed, and I think I said "This calls for a celebration. Let's drink to that!" As if we weren't doing that already! We just kept going for a little longer, than I think he just collapsed on the floor. I went after him, well, actually, I think right on him. For the most part, from this moment on I think it was my heart controlling my body, for my head had to be almost totally out of it! I do remember kissing him long and intensely on the mouth, and pulling down his pants... he then pulled up my skirt... and then, let's just say our drunken passions took over from there. I'll never forget it.
"Whoa, what am I doing?"
After falling to the floor, I remember her falling on top of me, and she started kissing me, and one thing led to another. I still was riding the emotional roller coaster: suicidal, then content, then intoxicated, then surprised. However, let's just say my judgement was severely impaired. If not for my drinking, which resulted from my state of depression, which resulted from hearing Jeanne darned near breaking up her family, I wouldn't have gotten into what we just did there, on the dining room floor.
"Oh, my god"
What did we just do? What did I just do? I basically saved Ian's life, showed him my most intimate feelings, and we topped it all off by drinking and making passionate love under the influence. I recall then falling right to sleep, exhausted from it all.
"Okay, up we go"
She fell asleep, and I would've too, if I liked sleeping on floors, which I don't. I just clumsily dragged her to the sofa, leaving our clothes behind, and laid down beside her, instantly falling asleep.
"Where am I?"
I woke up after a long sleep, finding Ian lying next to me, and neither of us having anything on. I still had my watch on, and it read eight o'clock. It took me awhile to piece together what had happened, and I shook Ian awake to ask him...
"Did we do what I think we did?"
Hastily awakened, I heard Jeanne's voice. I had to take a few moments to recall what had happened, and then what she was referring to. And, the answer was, "Yeah, I think so". I just had intercourse with my cousin in law! I felt shocked at what happened, and turned towards her. The shock of what happened seemed to disappear though, when she smiled, saying...
..."I love you, Ian"
At that point in my life, I felt like I had all the courage in the world. And, with all I'd gone through in those couple of days, you should understand why. And, for the first time, I told Ian, outright, that I loved him. I waited for his response, I waited for, ever, it seemed, until he finally said...
..."I love you too, Jeanne"
I wondered, when she told me she loves me, what exactly do I think of her? What do I think of Anna's cousin loving me? How do I thank the person who kept me from killing myself? What do I say to the girl I just had sex with? So much happening, so quickly, and the consequences? They never came to my mind in that instant. Confused, I just let my heart tell my mouth what to say, and I said it. She seemed to really light up when I said it, and she started coming close to me again, putting her body right against mine, and she suggested, with her actions, and my actions complemented hers in saying, in an unspoken way,
"Let's do it again, this time, as two people in love with each other"
by Jeanne and Ian
We held each other close, touching each other with our hands as if for the very first time, simultaneously kissing each other, seemingly all over, as our passions took us to the heights of ecstasy... and this time, it was not as two people who'd had too much to drink, but two people, finding each other at the wrong time, but nevertheless, consequences be damned, becoming one, in that relatively brief moment of time...
In the silent bliss that followed, we heard some music from somewhere outside. It was "our" song, our song from the prom. We just lay there together, with nothing on us but each other, hearing the words... "Here we are, the two of us together, taking this crazy chance to be all alone, everyone knows that we should not be together...", at that moment, we just looked at each other, and simultaneously started laughing! Then, when the laughing and snickering simmered, we started again, making unbridled, carefree, hedonistic love once more...
The Morning(s) after
I left Ian the next morning, somewhat reluctantly, though feeling excited about the future and what it would bring. I leveled with Ian, though, that we should be completely honest about what we went through, down to the most scandalous details. He agreed, and I did too, although I would wait a while before telling my family about my day, and night, with Ian. He did appear to have a large cloud hanging over his conscience, yet, he seemed to look far less despondent than he was at the beach. He told me he found it far more acceptable that he knew exactly what the situation was, and that I was taking steps to remedy the situation, in a way.
Ian convinced me to be with him when he would confess to Anna in a few days, and in the alternatively radical solution spirit that defines him, he started out by saying that I saved his life, and went on to mention the rest of the story, and finishing it with confessing about our immoral actions in the end. Anna didn't take it very well, albeit better than I thought she would. He held off on explaining my "proposal" for another day, he thought Anna was better off dealing with the events of recent past before thinking about future plans. In a few weeks, according to Ian, things were back to normal with his family, although Anna gave him a very hard time. He said he could live with it because he knew he deserved such "punishment", perhaps even more than she gave.
As for my "confession" to my family, I had a hard time thinking of what to say. I thought over whether to have Ian by my side or not to, and how to "spin" it best, I thought it over for weeks, until I realized I was pregnant! No turning back, I guess, and very tough to put a good spin on things, so I decided to have Ian with me, and tell them before they came out wondering aloud why I suddenly put on some serious waistline. I can't tell you what a lovely shade of white Ian turned when I told him the news...
Ian asked me what I planned to do, and after some serious thinking, I told him about my plans. He really felt sorry for me once I told him, but I had to reassure him that it was what I wanted, perhaps even what I wanted from the beginning! All I really asked of him at that point was to be with me when I told them. I was just hoping for them to understand, never minding how angry they might get.
I made the point clear to my family that it was basically all my fault, and not to hold Ian responsible, at least not too much. I did tell them everything they didn't already know, and I mean everything. I almost wanted to die from the looks on their faces, but I held together, and concluded by telling them what my plans were, and that if they couldn't find it in their hearts to forgive both of us, then I wouldn't include them in my "plans", much less the life of my baby. That really bit them hard, although they took a good while to get back to me on it, even though I was still living with them. They said that even though they still felt bad about what happened, and it would create a very weird atmosphere with the rest of our relatives, they could forgive both of us.
I got quite a few visits from Ian, Anna, and Paula in the months leading up to birth, which was a pleasant surprise for me. They were always seemingly fussing over me taking care of myself and the baby, and it sort of makes you wonder why. I asked them about it on one of those visits, and they both paused, apparently confused. They didn't even know why! Then, after a few minutes, Ian said, "Maybe it's because we both care very much about you and the baby, and in our situation, we kind of look at you as the little sister we both never had". It hit me in a funny way, first thinking that Ian made love with her little sister. Then, realizing that both of them were the only child in their families... and me becoming somewhat intimately related with Ian... weird as it may seem, it made me fit in quite nicely with them.
I gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. When he found out, the look on Ian's face was priceless! I named my daughter Amanda, after the one who, aside from Ian, made this happen. And my son? I named him after his father, although he's not a "junior" since I wasn't married to Ian and they therefore don't have the same last name. Little Ian really takes after his father in looks, and Amanda looks a lot like I used to, according to my parents.
Now? My children near their first birthday, which figures to make Ian wonder what his role will be at the birthday party with all my friends and relatives. Father? Uncle? Whatever, so long as he's there, it'll be okay. About the plan I had when I was newly pregnant, I anticipated giving birth to my kid(s), and then we'd live by ourselves. I wouldn't live with Ian and his family, nor my own. I had all the confidence in myself that I could make it work, because I now had a "take no prisoners" attitude, bred from my recent experiences. Far too many people I see lack the drive to survive here.
I now work as an assistant manager in a local department store, which provides me and my family with more than enough money to survive. An uncle of mines happens to be the manager, and, as I have proven, too often it's not what you know, but who you know that says how far you go in this country. I'd have to say my plan worked by the numbers and then some.
About Ian and I, he's kept his word and then some. We go out, with Anna and the kids, about once a week, occasionally even more often than that. When we take ourselves for a walk in the park, we hear the occasional whispers about us, speculating about three adults and three kids. I'm separated from my husband? I'm Ian's sister? I'm Anna's sister? No stranger has gotten it right, and it probably won't ever happen! Not a day goes by without thinking what a great man Ian is, and how happy I am that he's the father of my children. Am I still looking for my Mr. Right? I still am, and I have the occasional date with some guy showing potential (if I didn't know Ian any better, I think he got jealous of every date I mentioned to him!), but none of them ever measure up. Am I losing hope of finding my own "Ian"? Yes, but I'm not bitter or frustrated about it: I have my own Ian at home to take care of. And Amanda.